For Teek

                                                                
                                                     I

We are all assholes

Indeed we are

It hurts like hell

That feeling as if

Something is strangling

Me so hard

That I can’t seem to feel alive AGAIN

If all those who love each other could be together and all those who yearn for each other each other could express the same .Those barriers for that matter …they keep us so much apart …so much away….they cause so much hurt…so much pain.

This world has created enormous distances…as distances distance me from you.

How does it leave hope for survival of the world

For the sake of life that runs in the veins of the eternity all around me

Oh Dear Mighty  ! Let Peace prevail  ! Let there be light

Take my love …Give my love

Let it share

But how can that be if that is not it

You brake speed at every sign

Why every step sanctions divine

When I don’t feel a God beneath

When security disguises as religious shrine

Comes knocking at the door of my oblivion

I don’t know where went the fairies

They were always here with me

They were always here with me

Lullabying  me to sleep.

                                      II

Ok Listen

I’m very tensed

I know how I always bug you

How I always shock you

And then distance myself

Is it a game kind of thing ?hm?

Alright

Because I know men are donkeys

I hate them for that

Crazy they are

Idiotic I feel

I miss you like heavens miss hell

Like rains miss monsoons

Like we idiots miss face book

Like I miss staring at your updates on face book

As I miss you through this pain

It hurts each second

As I try to prove my worthiness…my decency

I am tired of this exercise…of this entire proving business….

As in why do I feel I have to

As I stand before myself facing theses clouds

As I keep digging into the unearthed rocks

The dire need for erosions struck me not once not twice but again..

This trust was always the most difficult thing to give

But as I look around this world of humans

How complex…why does it have to be so many of us….like too many cooks spoiling the broth or what?

Have we made it for ourselves Just how?

Is the world of that cute little jerky ant seriously as complex?

I wish I knew.

Thus.

As I write thus

As I go to sleep

As I lie down in bed

As I stare at your face book page.

As I stare at your DPs

As I go on all my trips tours and travels

Sitting in that ruthlessly cold and honest train

Through the awesome night –time discussions

Through that difficult scary night at Panna you would never know.

Through the long late night walks ,conversations, awesome things

I wish you were here

I wish you were just there

Sitting bullshitting

Laughing crapping writing

Observing secretly smiling that jhandu way you always did

But still I wish you were just there

Here.

                                                      III

Insomnia for instance….no wait !

Will you take responsibilty for her dark circles…..

Jerk !!!!!
Princesses have to be goodlooking and youthful you idiot!!!!!!!!!!
I know yours is an extremely busy life
but I am telling you a cute little princess is facing a lot of issues because of you....

                                                         IV

Hey I  miss you every moment …every millimoment

Every draconian time

I don’t know what to say

I am so saaaaad

My life becomes recklessly ruckus without you

I am sad because I know a lot of my desperations might just be a façade

May only be a dream…another fantasy…

Who knows!

But still as my heart craves for more

All the practicalities came rushing by

And I attempted to let them take over me

I wasn’t surprised by the futility of the attempt as I bring myself to realize again and again

That I was never meant to be grounded

Oh dear piscse! Help me breathe…….

                                                V

Because I want a man

Who loves me as much as I love him

If not more

I want a man who tears apart at the sight of me walking away

As much as I do

Because I want a man

Who misses me as intensely as I miss him

Because I want a man who treasures every moment spent with me

As much as I do

And if this can’t be

Let me be single.

Pangs of Jealousy and Acceptance

Well she is not exactly the unfortunate types.Infact she is awesome,his types!Dunno but certainly awesome!Infact actually its so great as it means lesser misery in this world,but then how does she manage to be better than me.I hate her for that!She’s not supposed to be so good!It’s not my fault that I melt at the slightest provocation,Its not my fault that I seemingly don’t have a life,It’s not my fault that I am such a loner who goes on receding into her shell……Why does she have to be so much better than me! More so,why does she have to be so nice to everyone?even me????Infact how does she manage to be so nice?I’m sad.

She’s just like him.Infact she suits him.Much better.She is very compatible with him.I think they will see it if they haven’t seen it till now that living together for them will be as simple as breathing.I have never felt this way!Infact its great that they can find love in each other,it’s a great achievement if anyone can do it to each other,but it comes as a surprise.I feel lost as always,but then those were supposed to be my own problems no!

Cmmon….all I feel is lifelessness all around.And acceptance has become a struggle.really!I wonder if it were always so…but no! I don’t think so .

I feel sad sad and sad.

And lost lost and lost.

Actually today I don’t feel that bad.But yesterday,just before sleeping ,a realization came over me.It lasted more than a moment actually.More than many seconds.And then I was fast asleep.And today amidst the hassles of waking up,I was reminded of that intuition,if that was what it is.And it was like something dawned upon me which I hadn’t been able to see because of curtains…and of course because of lack of communication and distances .Oh! Well IF he isn’t as complicated as me or maybe as he claims to be,the truth is he doesn’t love me.Maybe he never did.Whats the point.ASS I AM.I know ….koi nahi hota hai…but yaar bahut dard deke jaata hai.I miss you like hell.And I’m jealous….it grows with time.She has a firmness about her,in that sense she may not suit you…but you never know.She is definitely what I am not.

Love

Mischelle

Strands of Decency

Oh! how to describe
How you behave Now it seems like

how well have you acclimatize yourself

in this strange deceptive world
I don't get it
I seriously feel this world is a misfit and you even more
But I awe at the way you  meander your way through this mayhem.Well,I'm surprised.

I just now saw a tall decent gentleman dressed in a nice suit carrying a nice bag,but you know he' a misfit.As in the suit doesn't suit him.He looks straight ahead ,but his eyes are on a lookout for something else....a faraway land.Oh! Stop it......
but for something else in people I mostly guess.But he's quite tolerant ...infact has become of things &people who just don't seem alike.

I seriously am clueless about the struggle ;quite ignorant of this tussle in a man's world .But I wonder if we were to shake off the dusty blanket from your body ,carefully and gently and carefully uncover your face,I think we would discover a different you.A very different you.

But one thing I seriously admire you for ....as in the way you sweet talk peple ,the way you let babies sleep to the tunes of decency....but the truth is ...they are going to realize soon .Anyway it was only a tune ....not tangible enough.Not proof enough.
But then what proof do we want ?What proof do I need?For what....Life had been tumultous enough.These shades that I see ....fading into eternity....I wonder often ,what it takes to try and be one with it......

Sleeplessly sleepless

Well I am not really the kind of person who talks in facts and points and parenthesis, but the thing is I am just feeling a little factual right now:

Well I wonder how much I have started sleeping……I have never been a disciplined person ….much lesser as far as timely and proper sleep was concerned….but now  I’m surprised,how much do I sleep.Infact even a 6 hour sleep doesn’t suffice when previously even 5 hours would do well…..I am surprised how I dutifully go to bed by 10 or 11 only to be able to wake up at 7:30 .Well,I’m surprised.I sleep a lot nowadays.somewhere,it feels good to be able to reach college on time,but then I feel numb.A lot.My entire being goes numb.There are times when after a day of lot of work,I still can’t sleep as even when I like the work my mind goes numb.There is an expanse of hollow loneliness which surrounds you as you try to bid this world goodbye to sleep.Insomnia troubles a lot but thankfully it is rare…..and surprisingly after such spells of insomnia ,I don’t feel deprived of sleep at all next morning.

Life ...its amazing sometimes….as in I amazes me a lot.I’m surprised I feel so numb nowadays,I don’t know why….I can’t know why.nevertheless I feel  numb And I don’t know what to do.I don’t feel anything.I can’t understand anything.all I gauge is dints of things which render me bewildered and perplexed and sometimes also make me look like a fool to my minds’ eyes.

Actually I’m just forcing myself to write  bullshit .Don’t even feel any muse.And no muse means bad writing.
So I’ll just shut up and perhaps catch up a nice romantic flick.

Chal ceeya.

Love

Mischelle

<3

Heights......

Oh Heights !

Why do I fear you so much.....
I cannot stand you
Cannot control ....oh Heights ! I am powerless
I always wanted to overcome you......I already have I guess taken the first step towards independence....first step towards breaking free
I am not the same

I won't be the same....
life is about risks
Just can't break free from the challenge of pisces

oh !Why am I such a girl sometimes...
Is it girly to not to be able to bear those barbaric gory sights?
Is it girly not to be able to withstand any pain?any blood?
Is it girly to want things to be twinkling and lovely?
Oh is it being like a hundred percent female?
The sin of being a pisces? Oh ! shall I call it sin?If not then what?
Its made me needy.......left me weak...weak willed.......a weak pesonality
What to do?I'm lost....
I wish I could be able to say with pride that I will go rock climbing ....sky diving....but I can't
I am scared.....I am too scared
Do angels fear to plunge in...????pisceans do.....
I sometimes wish I had the courage to walk up the entire snow clad hills and mountains......I wish I had the choice to do that alone cause I have understood noone is made for anyone....everyone is made for themselves....and there would be noone to take me by hand.....to those everlasting expanse of heights....my friend did it ...that enthusiastic adventurous resilient Shaily....she took me by hand down the dangerous  rocky mountaineous  valleys....she led me and I loved it ....it was so comfortable.....to be able to rely trustfully on someone so strong......so self assured a girl as Shaily .....Girl! She is something of a person....One of the most courageous girls I have  ever met...and a courageous person toooooo.....
But I always loose my senses ...it seems always as if I have lost a part of something....I wonder sometimes if that has something to do with a fish's affinity to water....but then even waterfalls ....cold waterfalls...I think even thet sent a chill down my spine....
i never realized as a child...I was afraid of heights.....dreaded afraid of heights......Oh ! What is it??????I never seem to get it
Heights......!!!!!!!!Yummy.......I want to come to you....but can't seem to....what to do?????? 

Desperation.......................................................................................

I understand now the meaning of desperation...man ! real desperation
I knew it before but I could always do something about it.....this time I can't....u know these self faith and self confidence are amazing things to possess....they are important and if u don't have them...girl ! life is difficuilt! Courage is another important thing...infact very very important ...shy people don't stand anywhere....I need a rabbit...a pet rabbit...I don't think I will survive in this cruel brutal world of humans....I need one please I do.I dunno I'm helpless.....I need comfort....loads of it.....where do I go....I am lost...lost lost and lost....forever.....and I'm dying I want to be in the water.....to breathe in those waters in the middle of those jungles.......loving mesmerizing sleeping sheltered deep under the roofshed of tall loving green treesssssss....
love
mischelle

My Sweet Little Play School....oh ! sorry Home

Here I must mention a few things.I have always been angry about things,excessively much recently,and always hurled abuses at people things everything everyone around me.....at the air around me......and all my notes recently had a reflection of anger pitted out in them.....and I'm stuck there.I don't know why....

I want to be less angry....lesser disturbed....lesser freaked out.These mood swings .....this repetitive recession into my shell......this need for warmth......this lost control over life......its all killing me.

Well I was wondering how ambitious I used to be.....how driven to different things......how much committed to my work..........Always initiating different things....never feeling that shallowness....those irritable burdens....never lazy.....but now ????I have become a shirker.......I avoid work?I used to do things....work ...everything mindlessly....but now I don't.If I don't like it,I don't do it.That's that.And that's it.Thats being lazy.That's being lovely.And that's being fair to myself.And that's being able to breathe at the end of it all.....But yes I miss love.....and it drives me crazy......stupid....as in I wonder if there is an animal in us all....we all are barbaric in some sesnse or the other....actually innately barbaric....and all of us possess the ability of insurmountable love....and to stray as well in search of love and wramth and protection and peace.We are all assholes never to realize that.Actually see??????I told you ....anger reflected in all my notes!I am surprised at myself.....how can i be so angry.....so ridiculously barbaric......hurling abuses mindless abuses at everyone I come across.....Am i so angry with life...??so angry with my sunsign which made me so shy and compassionate ?I am surprised!
anyways hahaha....I wanted to share about my nursery school dream and here I start talking other bullshit stuff...I always felt as if I wanted to open a nursery school....better still a play school....and love my babies all day.Everything will be so pleasant ands warm and loving and gentle and innocent.I want to love my babies....as in hug them all day.....and sit in sun....we all have needs man! needs to love and to be loved !And this is neglected to a large extent in a deeply conservative country like ours...trust me in every form.....as in our way of greeting ...notions and prejudices...actually its all a different story of regulation of sexuality by society and religion by different coercive and strategic methods.The state is intelligent...isn't it?
Anyhow I love babies.and i don't want them to feel secluded all alone or unloved for any reason....I want them all to grow into contented ,happy and liberated individuals...irrespective of all reasons....with good physical and mental health.And I want to love them in every way possible...so that they don't feel unloved later.Ofcourse you know society is going to pounce upon them and impose its coercive standards upon them.....but before that I wish to help them realize their own potential....I won't have to teach them anything...I know its there within them already.I want them to feel loads of love from this age itself,its important you know it is.Actually hopefully they must already have been basking in love in their mommies' womb since 9 months and more after that....but they need to be constantly loved later on as well......and I'll ensure that their moms don't teach them stupid bullshit standards of society....actually I'll ensure that their moms don't teach them anything....even those babies have a right ....to discover their own place ....their own role...their own sense and interpretation of morality and sexuality....and I don't want oldies to interfere and decide for them....infact if parents were willing to let go off their children....let them grow independently in communians.....they will be better more inclusive and happier individuals.......parent are selfish and they are the ones standing in their children's path.....in way of their realizations.....Actually I wonder if I would be able to do that myself as a parent....as a single parent !?Did you notice I had been using the word 'my' for babies....as in do I possess them or what ...can't they have better sense of growing....just because they are babies?....no! but  just wanted to help....No! diksha its never yours...stop being possessive.....I wish to try and undo all with the help of my fellowmates at the nursery or playhome or whatever beautiful pretty lovely colourful warm little place its going to be......and also with the help of my beautiful little babies....and one thing i promise its not going to be a school....children never grow in schools....infact noone really grows in a stringent even homely school....everyone grows at home....so whatever its going to be...its going to be a home...come back home babies to mumma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!