Strands of Decency

Oh! how to describe
How you behave Now it seems like

how well have you acclimatize yourself

in this strange deceptive world
I don't get it
I seriously feel this world is a misfit and you even more
But I awe at the way you  meander your way through this mayhem.Well,I'm surprised.

I just now saw a tall decent gentleman dressed in a nice suit carrying a nice bag,but you know he' a misfit.As in the suit doesn't suit him.He looks straight ahead ,but his eyes are on a lookout for something else....a faraway land.Oh! Stop it......
but for something else in people I mostly guess.But he's quite tolerant ...infact has become of things &people who just don't seem alike.

I seriously am clueless about the struggle ;quite ignorant of this tussle in a man's world .But I wonder if we were to shake off the dusty blanket from your body ,carefully and gently and carefully uncover your face,I think we would discover a different you.A very different you.

But one thing I seriously admire you for ....as in the way you sweet talk peple ,the way you let babies sleep to the tunes of decency....but the truth is ...they are going to realize soon .Anyway it was only a tune ....not tangible enough.Not proof enough.
But then what proof do we want ?What proof do I need?For what....Life had been tumultous enough.These shades that I see ....fading into eternity....I wonder often ,what it takes to try and be one with it......

Sleeplessly sleepless

Well I am not really the kind of person who talks in facts and points and parenthesis, but the thing is I am just feeling a little factual right now:

Well I wonder how much I have started sleeping……I have never been a disciplined person ….much lesser as far as timely and proper sleep was concerned….but now  I’m surprised,how much do I sleep.Infact even a 6 hour sleep doesn’t suffice when previously even 5 hours would do well…..I am surprised how I dutifully go to bed by 10 or 11 only to be able to wake up at 7:30 .Well,I’m surprised.I sleep a lot nowadays.somewhere,it feels good to be able to reach college on time,but then I feel numb.A lot.My entire being goes numb.There are times when after a day of lot of work,I still can’t sleep as even when I like the work my mind goes numb.There is an expanse of hollow loneliness which surrounds you as you try to bid this world goodbye to sleep.Insomnia troubles a lot but thankfully it is rare…..and surprisingly after such spells of insomnia ,I don’t feel deprived of sleep at all next morning.

Life ...its amazing sometimes….as in I amazes me a lot.I’m surprised I feel so numb nowadays,I don’t know why….I can’t know why.nevertheless I feel  numb And I don’t know what to do.I don’t feel anything.I can’t understand anything.all I gauge is dints of things which render me bewildered and perplexed and sometimes also make me look like a fool to my minds’ eyes.

Actually I’m just forcing myself to write  bullshit .Don’t even feel any muse.And no muse means bad writing.
So I’ll just shut up and perhaps catch up a nice romantic flick.

Chal ceeya.

Love

Mischelle

<3

Heights......

Oh Heights !

Why do I fear you so much.....
I cannot stand you
Cannot control ....oh Heights ! I am powerless
I always wanted to overcome you......I already have I guess taken the first step towards independence....first step towards breaking free
I am not the same

I won't be the same....
life is about risks
Just can't break free from the challenge of pisces

oh !Why am I such a girl sometimes...
Is it girly to not to be able to bear those barbaric gory sights?
Is it girly not to be able to withstand any pain?any blood?
Is it girly to want things to be twinkling and lovely?
Oh is it being like a hundred percent female?
The sin of being a pisces? Oh ! shall I call it sin?If not then what?
Its made me needy.......left me weak...weak willed.......a weak pesonality
What to do?I'm lost....
I wish I could be able to say with pride that I will go rock climbing ....sky diving....but I can't
I am scared.....I am too scared
Do angels fear to plunge in...????pisceans do.....
I sometimes wish I had the courage to walk up the entire snow clad hills and mountains......I wish I had the choice to do that alone cause I have understood noone is made for anyone....everyone is made for themselves....and there would be noone to take me by hand.....to those everlasting expanse of heights....my friend did it ...that enthusiastic adventurous resilient Shaily....she took me by hand down the dangerous  rocky mountaineous  valleys....she led me and I loved it ....it was so comfortable.....to be able to rely trustfully on someone so strong......so self assured a girl as Shaily .....Girl! She is something of a person....One of the most courageous girls I have  ever met...and a courageous person toooooo.....
But I always loose my senses ...it seems always as if I have lost a part of something....I wonder sometimes if that has something to do with a fish's affinity to water....but then even waterfalls ....cold waterfalls...I think even thet sent a chill down my spine....
i never realized as a child...I was afraid of heights.....dreaded afraid of heights......Oh ! What is it??????I never seem to get it
Heights......!!!!!!!!Yummy.......I want to come to you....but can't seem to....what to do?????? 

Desperation.......................................................................................

I understand now the meaning of desperation...man ! real desperation
I knew it before but I could always do something about it.....this time I can't....u know these self faith and self confidence are amazing things to possess....they are important and if u don't have them...girl ! life is difficuilt! Courage is another important thing...infact very very important ...shy people don't stand anywhere....I need a rabbit...a pet rabbit...I don't think I will survive in this cruel brutal world of humans....I need one please I do.I dunno I'm helpless.....I need comfort....loads of it.....where do I go....I am lost...lost lost and lost....forever.....and I'm dying I want to be in the water.....to breathe in those waters in the middle of those jungles.......loving mesmerizing sleeping sheltered deep under the roofshed of tall loving green treesssssss....
love
mischelle

My Sweet Little Play School....oh ! sorry Home

Here I must mention a few things.I have always been angry about things,excessively much recently,and always hurled abuses at people things everything everyone around me.....at the air around me......and all my notes recently had a reflection of anger pitted out in them.....and I'm stuck there.I don't know why....

I want to be less angry....lesser disturbed....lesser freaked out.These mood swings .....this repetitive recession into my shell......this need for warmth......this lost control over life......its all killing me.

Well I was wondering how ambitious I used to be.....how driven to different things......how much committed to my work..........Always initiating different things....never feeling that shallowness....those irritable burdens....never lazy.....but now ????I have become a shirker.......I avoid work?I used to do things....work ...everything mindlessly....but now I don't.If I don't like it,I don't do it.That's that.And that's it.Thats being lazy.That's being lovely.And that's being fair to myself.And that's being able to breathe at the end of it all.....But yes I miss love.....and it drives me crazy......stupid....as in I wonder if there is an animal in us all....we all are barbaric in some sesnse or the other....actually innately barbaric....and all of us possess the ability of insurmountable love....and to stray as well in search of love and wramth and protection and peace.We are all assholes never to realize that.Actually see??????I told you ....anger reflected in all my notes!I am surprised at myself.....how can i be so angry.....so ridiculously barbaric......hurling abuses mindless abuses at everyone I come across.....Am i so angry with life...??so angry with my sunsign which made me so shy and compassionate ?I am surprised!
anyways hahaha....I wanted to share about my nursery school dream and here I start talking other bullshit stuff...I always felt as if I wanted to open a nursery school....better still a play school....and love my babies all day.Everything will be so pleasant ands warm and loving and gentle and innocent.I want to love my babies....as in hug them all day.....and sit in sun....we all have needs man! needs to love and to be loved !And this is neglected to a large extent in a deeply conservative country like ours...trust me in every form.....as in our way of greeting ...notions and prejudices...actually its all a different story of regulation of sexuality by society and religion by different coercive and strategic methods.The state is intelligent...isn't it?
Anyhow I love babies.and i don't want them to feel secluded all alone or unloved for any reason....I want them all to grow into contented ,happy and liberated individuals...irrespective of all reasons....with good physical and mental health.And I want to love them in every way possible...so that they don't feel unloved later.Ofcourse you know society is going to pounce upon them and impose its coercive standards upon them.....but before that I wish to help them realize their own potential....I won't have to teach them anything...I know its there within them already.I want them to feel loads of love from this age itself,its important you know it is.Actually hopefully they must already have been basking in love in their mommies' womb since 9 months and more after that....but they need to be constantly loved later on as well......and I'll ensure that their moms don't teach them stupid bullshit standards of society....actually I'll ensure that their moms don't teach them anything....even those babies have a right ....to discover their own place ....their own role...their own sense and interpretation of morality and sexuality....and I don't want oldies to interfere and decide for them....infact if parents were willing to let go off their children....let them grow independently in communians.....they will be better more inclusive and happier individuals.......parent are selfish and they are the ones standing in their children's path.....in way of their realizations.....Actually I wonder if I would be able to do that myself as a parent....as a single parent !?Did you notice I had been using the word 'my' for babies....as in do I possess them or what ...can't they have better sense of growing....just because they are babies?....no! but  just wanted to help....No! diksha its never yours...stop being possessive.....I wish to try and undo all with the help of my fellowmates at the nursery or playhome or whatever beautiful pretty lovely colourful warm little place its going to be......and also with the help of my beautiful little babies....and one thing i promise its not going to be a school....children never grow in schools....infact noone really grows in a stringent even homely school....everyone grows at home....so whatever its going to be...its going to be a home...come back home babies to mumma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weak

Yes i agree i have self esteem issues....major ones....like major major ones.....and i wear this mask of a confident woman which i can no longer wear....i could never pretend........my face ...maybe my eyes......are so reflective ....they say everything .its difficuilt ...life when you can't pretend.it spills all your secrets.I know i am a weak personality....an extrememly weak personality.......by weak i don't mean a weak person but a weak personality.....and this weakness of personalty is slowly making the person inside it weak as well.....this person has lost its youth exuberance freshness....zeal .....life ...everything......and this person doesn't see much scope for hopes........these hopes are strange beings....they have a strange way of always being in your life implicitly.....
Well you know i am too sensitive......i get hurt by the most mindless of comments ....direct or indirect and i rarely blame the person who comments....i blame myself for not realizing how stupid i am ....for not realizing that i had been in the dark till now....and i kind of thank the commentor for putting me down and telling me the truth....though the commentor mostly after a fraction of second realizes that he/she has made a hurtful one and tries to make up for it......I completely understand .....its not their fault...its a truth they couldn't help mentioning.....and i recede deeper into that shell.I am self conscious ....as in the way I look......mostly about being thin.I possess NO confidence.....I'm sure its going to surprise lots of people around me but yes NO confidence....I have perfectionist standards to meet....for my own self....which I can't ...I'm a loner...I've a poor aesthetic sense...as in I really don't possess the sense of good dressing up....unaware of brands...stuff.I see so many girls better dressed around me.......in sync with times....almost everyone.I have  this huge desire to be super slim....i always had....and i am tired of dieting......crash diets....they used to work before....now even they don't.....yes....i hate myself....i hate the way i look....the way i foolishly keep blabbering to myself  thinking that people are not noticing......i hate the fact that i just can't stop myself from talking endlessly infront of complete strangers when actually I'm actually a  quiet & thoughtful person....I just don't want to hurt people and so i end up overtalking.....and making a fool of myself.....its embarassing...humiliating and i feel like running away....i hate it when i have to put up that mask of a careless brusque confident person that i am not....probably never will be....but yes i want to be thin and that I WILL BE....I'm surprised how have i managed to preserve  that level of determination even now....after so many years....!!!!I'm surprised....

whateva......no not whateva...!!!!

kyun karti hun main itna time waste.....why cant i do anything constructive...???there were times when i used to be so driven and so committed to my work ...my aims.....what now....but now?????i am gone....ab nahi hoga na mujse ye sab......kya karun .......shall i give up....wase bhi college mey rehkar apna time waste karti hun......is being a piscean such a sin...kya karun ....mar jaun....bhaag jaun.......kya karun ab main.......ye life kitni wasted cheez hai...hum sab kitne misfits hain na..........all of us in the wrong places.....matlab zaruri hai college jaana...itna courage to shayad tha hi nahi kabhi mujhme ki main isse mukar jaun....ye saare systems jo society follow karti hai.....getting a degree.......no 4-5 degrees.......jobs....bullshit....oh ! why can't  we travel with our loved ones....to far off lands......sit by the loving sands......fly in the oceans....with waters all around ......in the storm ...in the dark.......at the sunrise at the sunset....oh i would love to.........love to be led.....and also to be able to travel my own paths.......oh ! that courage....my own charted ways..........and i want to be independent and totally independent...but i'm still not sure of this....but one thing that i m more sure of ...i want someone at the end of it all....to lean on ....to hug and to share  life with.........and this air that i breathe....and these magnetic sensousness.....and that everdying soul.....i am shit scared....i am alone...i'll die alone....oh what shall i do......no but i love being alone....but i fear sometimes it may not be good for me....not too much of it but i dont know....do i sound vague....hell the sin of being a piscean you know.........o o o ....hahahah.....this o o o thing is from hillary duff's what dreams are made of.....i love hillary duff....mostly....
love
mischelle