Weak

Yes i agree i have self esteem issues....major ones....like major major ones.....and i wear this mask of a confident woman which i can no longer wear....i could never pretend........my face ...maybe my eyes......are so reflective ....they say everything .its difficuilt ...life when you can't pretend.it spills all your secrets.I know i am a weak personality....an extrememly weak personality.......by weak i don't mean a weak person but a weak personality.....and this weakness of personalty is slowly making the person inside it weak as well.....this person has lost its youth exuberance freshness....zeal .....life ...everything......and this person doesn't see much scope for hopes........these hopes are strange beings....they have a strange way of always being in your life implicitly.....
Well you know i am too sensitive......i get hurt by the most mindless of comments ....direct or indirect and i rarely blame the person who comments....i blame myself for not realizing how stupid i am ....for not realizing that i had been in the dark till now....and i kind of thank the commentor for putting me down and telling me the truth....though the commentor mostly after a fraction of second realizes that he/she has made a hurtful one and tries to make up for it......I completely understand .....its not their fault...its a truth they couldn't help mentioning.....and i recede deeper into that shell.I am self conscious ....as in the way I look......mostly about being thin.I possess NO confidence.....I'm sure its going to surprise lots of people around me but yes NO confidence....I have perfectionist standards to meet....for my own self....which I can't ...I'm a loner...I've a poor aesthetic sense...as in I really don't possess the sense of good dressing up....unaware of brands...stuff.I see so many girls better dressed around me.......in sync with times....almost everyone.I have  this huge desire to be super slim....i always had....and i am tired of dieting......crash diets....they used to work before....now even they don't.....yes....i hate myself....i hate the way i look....the way i foolishly keep blabbering to myself  thinking that people are not noticing......i hate the fact that i just can't stop myself from talking endlessly infront of complete strangers when actually I'm actually a  quiet & thoughtful person....I just don't want to hurt people and so i end up overtalking.....and making a fool of myself.....its embarassing...humiliating and i feel like running away....i hate it when i have to put up that mask of a careless brusque confident person that i am not....probably never will be....but yes i want to be thin and that I WILL BE....I'm surprised how have i managed to preserve  that level of determination even now....after so many years....!!!!I'm surprised....

whateva......no not whateva...!!!!

kyun karti hun main itna time waste.....why cant i do anything constructive...???there were times when i used to be so driven and so committed to my work ...my aims.....what now....but now?????i am gone....ab nahi hoga na mujse ye sab......kya karun .......shall i give up....wase bhi college mey rehkar apna time waste karti hun......is being a piscean such a sin...kya karun ....mar jaun....bhaag jaun.......kya karun ab main.......ye life kitni wasted cheez hai...hum sab kitne misfits hain na..........all of us in the wrong places.....matlab zaruri hai college jaana...itna courage to shayad tha hi nahi kabhi mujhme ki main isse mukar jaun....ye saare systems jo society follow karti hai.....getting a degree.......no 4-5 degrees.......jobs....bullshit....oh ! why can't  we travel with our loved ones....to far off lands......sit by the loving sands......fly in the oceans....with waters all around ......in the storm ...in the dark.......at the sunrise at the sunset....oh i would love to.........love to be led.....and also to be able to travel my own paths.......oh ! that courage....my own charted ways..........and i want to be independent and totally independent...but i'm still not sure of this....but one thing that i m more sure of ...i want someone at the end of it all....to lean on ....to hug and to share  life with.........and this air that i breathe....and these magnetic sensousness.....and that everdying soul.....i am shit scared....i am alone...i'll die alone....oh what shall i do......no but i love being alone....but i fear sometimes it may not be good for me....not too much of it but i dont know....do i sound vague....hell the sin of being a piscean you know.........o o o ....hahahah.....this o o o thing is from hillary duff's what dreams are made of.....i love hillary duff....mostly....
love
mischelle

Tum bhi na......

pagal ho ekdum pagal.......pata hai muje bahut dar lagta hai.....sachme bahut bahut bahut zyada kabhi kabhi bahut zyada........par pata hai kya.....main kabhi kisi pe bharosa nahi kar paati....u know muje bahut shak hote hain.....and i realized.........life without trust is a living hell.....and i want to be able to trust someone blindly........someone atleast....its been a long time now since i trusted someone blindly......infact i wonder have i ever trusted anyone blindly....????nnnnooooooooo....!!!!!!survival has become such a struggle now that there us noone to trust .....i find myself receding deeper and deeper into the seas......kahin itna na doob jaun ki kabhi nikal hi na paun.....baseless fears?????? i don't know....i neva seem to get it.......i am tooo scared ....i was always toooooo scared....i never had the courage.....yes i am tooooo shy.............i am veryyyy shyyyyyyy......sometimes i feel life is fragile but my soul is old........it can bear stuff....it has always borne......but i don't want to trust its capabilities.....its tolerance.....i doubt if i can trust myself......oh life !!!!!! i am shit scared....are u going to hurt me.....are you fooling me.....i can't think that but you never know .....i can't bear to get hurt again please......i am scared to make mistakes....loads of them.....oh .....i cant confront....i willl goooo deeper and deeper .....recede tillll what i don't know....please rescue me.....save me......i am sooooo sooooooo sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..........i can't see u hurt like this......i really really can't .....i saw that in your eyes.....i am   soooo soooo soooryyyyyyy.....i humiliated you like this.....i made you feel soooooo alienated.......i can neva bear to look into those hurt eyes......i am     soooooo sooooo soooorrrrryyyyyyyyy.........i am soooo soooorrryyyyy for all those months.....for alll that wasted time......but i reallllyyy neva had the courage.....this life you know....its alll about easier said than done....its all about saying and telling stuff.....u can never actually act...i can never.....i am soooo sooooo scared..........i love you so much....how willl i ever confront you now........i will run awayyyy forever forever....i want to see you once ....just once and i will run away forever......but please just be with me naaaaaa....just be around ......just be infront of my eyes.......i want to see life moving into you....life turning you out....you talking....your face.....the motions and the movements....oh is it such a sin???????.........itni badi sazaaaa........??????why why whyyyyyyyyyyy??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
i miss you everywhere i go......

Walk away........

Teri yadein...its undisputably my favourite song.....its magical....anyways howz u long time no.....i miss you ...a lot ...indeed a lot...i miss ya a lot.....anyays howz life.....i decided to walk away....i should.....i think i should leave you alone....you two u know were perfect together...maybe are.....i wish you luck....i don't need pity ....maybe understanding that you already gave me....so that was that i guess....u two....u know when i looked like that at you two....u guys are like each other......in love .....i don't know what that look meant....maybe i'm still confused very little.....but this was best for both of us.......i will walk away....for your sake.......for mine as well.....for mostly for yours......and you need to realize what you want...u fit in with her the best..... i have to let you go.......trust me its the most loving picture i had ever seen....and i couldn't hold back....i want you to live......live with such intensity....love with such desire......drive it with such passion....i want you....i want you to...i really want you to....to see you laughing waala happy.....like hahahahahaha always.....jumping running like you always do....reflective as you are.....i love those eyes .......such reflection.....non-judjemntal understanding.....perceptive....very very perceptive flowing experience..... loved you for that.....be like that always....even better if you can be......be the way you want to be.....be you always.......you are cardinal ...i kow......you possess an everlasting zest and passion for life ......its amazing....like awsmmmm awsmmmmmmmmm........love it.....i can see life with more understanding now.....wateva.....i'll walk away......u fit in with her....u guys look great together....and whatever is beautiful should stay beautiful.......i want you two to be together....and take my life...all that i have....because i do not possess the ability to make people truly happy.....not atleast to the end....am just toooooooo..... selfish.......and i can't let you suffer because of that....actually can't let anyone suffer on those grounds.....can't hurt you like that anymore.......i know it hurts......i saw that dint of embarrassment or humiliation in those eyes.......and i can never forgive myself for making you feel that way.....after all that you have gone through......i know yours was a painful childhood.....and then your life broke to pieces....and you have....after a long struggle put together the pieces....and have now begun to run.....and i sometimes love to see you run.....u know leap......jump......spring up.......up up and up....i want you to....reallly really want you to.....so i have to turn and walk away....it will hurt me.....but i'll be happy at the end of it....if you get back your love....because that is where you belong......not here.....never here......and i never want you to compromise.......never ever be stuck with me.........fly..........run....spring up and spring down........and have so much fun.....alll the fun that this eternity has to offer ....all the life......all your life ......i want you to be happy.....i want you to live.....a million times more than me........love
mischelle

On the point of selfisness

As in how selfish can we be....me you an everyone else....we are such bastards you know ...all of us...assholes...fuckin assholes.......as in we don't really care what everyone else around us feel....to hell with their feelings...as long as we all can have fun......u know what.......i hate people...i hate it when i am forced to be the same...i guess my level of sensitivity towards others is slowly dwindling.......diminishing....what will happen i don't know....i know they are getting hurt....but i think they'll probably deal with it....!!!!!NO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH IT ...WITH IT...!!!!!!sorry diksha...sorry...as in how....how exactly do you expect them to deal with it....treat people the way you expect them to treat you...orelse don't scorn when the world doesn't treat you right...have you forgotten ...no have you??????those standards dikshA ....HAV E YOU EVER LIVED UPTO THEM ....no right no????so don't expect others to be selfless....because the truth is everyone is selfish...forget everyone....i ...myself am such a selfish rascal...that giant who selfishly eats all the dressing...and let others perish in yeast......you burning dog........u'll perish diksha ......failure...in life ......that is all you deserve....go diksha mittal rot in hell.....!!!go fuck your ass.....coz u don't even deserve hell.....get lost.......diksha mittal....u rememba what happens eventually in the cycle of selfishness.....u die...evryone dies...and it makes others around us more selfish.......more and more selfish ....and then everyone gets selfish....and then the world rots....the world perishes...the world hurts each others...wars are waged...cold and hot....barriers hatred egos created....and all of it comes to an end......everything......and life vanishes....dwindles and disappears eventually....and all that is left is ssmoke rising high...touching eternity.....go diksha go! all it takes is a token of selfless service...love ...understanding and affection...actually even one of them suffices......get lost!!!!

This strange Tech Savy World.....

i hate computers....i tell u today i tell you tomorrow.....i hate themm....i don't mind doing my projects...i mostly don't....but i hate it wen they tell me to create a power point presentation....worse still when they tell me to create a movie...i hate you ...i hate them for making me struggle like this...i hated it wen everyone was shocked on learning at NLS MUN that i didnn't how a USB porter is inserted or wateve it is...i still don't but probably i hav a brief idea now....but that time i didn't even know wat it was...probably had just heard about it....ok...and i hate people for making all the works technologically oriented..i hav difficuilty in operating pendrives....laptops new softwares....downloading movies&books (i don't even know how to download them)...although should't be that difficuilt...but frankly i can't handle presentations and moviemaking.....and i hate it wen teachers nowadays tell us to do everything on computers.....as in really i went as a reporter for nls mun thingy....all i needed to do was write.....i mean has the Beauty of Written Words lost its essence and meaning....i hate people ...i hate this technologically driven brutal unkind competitive world....and i am not tech savy...and probably there are very few people who will understand genuinely....but probably it won't matter to them as well.........but u know what i am the last person who cares ASSHOLES!!!!!GET LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK YOU...!!!!

fucked up life

i tell u today i tell you tomorrow...this is a ruthless world....it creates laws.....stupid strange regulations and societal conditionings .......and we are stupids...idiots infact......to fall prey to all this....this society...those bullshit psycho elderlies...what do they think...they could regulate our sexuality...our behaviors and get away with it...???????not done....this is not the way it is....and will never be the way it should it be....they obstruct natural flows....of everything...that bullshit...that's bad......and i hate it!!!!!i mean limits man!enough is enough...i have a life...let me live it....u guys have screwed me enough....to hell with you!!!!u sucked it....u destroyed my beautiful pleasures...and peace of my mind.....get away! get lost!let me live it now.....i think i should probably deserve to live...probably deserve to live the future....get the fucking hell out of my life.....YOU ASSHOLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!